One of the most awesome parents I have ever met (Estee Klar) was discussing gifts on her blog recently. (http://www.esteeklar.com/2011/12/23/keep-it-simple-over-the-holidays/comment-page-1/#comment-23923)
The subject is what to get an autistic child as a gift during the Holidays. People have been asking her this with regard to her 10 year old son. (This should be a no-brainer - get the kid what he likes. Well, duh!) However, when it comes to autism, people seem to be focused on toys and gifts that are therapeutic or will bring out some sort of "normal" response.
Estee is preparing to get rid of a lot of these therapeutic toys and such that have been accumulating in her house and she wants things to be simple. Yay! I love this quote: "As I divest the things that we’ve accumulated over the years to clear out our heads, I am also trying to make room for creativity. We are so eager to see a typical response in our autistic kids that we buy, buy, buy. We don’t believe that boredom for the autistic child is as valuable as it is for the neurotypical one."
This particular blog entry resonated with me, because I have seen people ask this question over and over again on mailing lists, newsgroups, etc. and it drives me nuts. "What therapeutic thingie should I get for my autistic [insert relation here] for [insert special occasion here]?" Aaaarrrgghhh!
I started writing this post as a comment, but then thought it would make a better blog post because it got kind of long. I left a quick comment along these lines, but this post is more in depth.
When I was a kid, my parents would ask my brother and I what we'd like for Christmas and birthdays. Dad would bring out the "Consumers Distributing" catalog and let us pick out what we liked, within reason, of course. (Anyone in Canada remember Consumers Distributing? Best store ever! You pick what you like in the catalog and then go pick it up. No browsing, no crowds, no fuss!)
Then, when said birthday or holiday came around, we'd open our presents and, lo and behold, there'd be something we *wanted*! Dad would even get creative and buy something alongside of that item that he'd know we liked which just made the day even better! I cherished those gifts and either used them until they were unusable or I stall have them.
I'm very grateful that I was never once given a toy or gift that was supposed to be therapeutic. Ever. As a result, my parents never had a basement or attic full of toys we'd never play with and I was never given the idea that my life should suck on a special day because I was diagnosed with something. My parents quite simply honoured our wishes. My mother had a rule with toys: "if it's not inside your room and you are not using it anymore, it's gone." Therefore, no clutter in the basement. My dad's stuff on the other hand... well it's all accumulating nicely in the basement. But that's another story about pack-rattery for another day (or not).
So, what to buy an autistic child for the special occasion du jour? I often find myself asking the question: Why not buy stuff kids *like* rather than things that are supposed to be therapeutic? Shouldn't birthdays and Christmas be *fun* instead of therapy?
Note to professionals and other people who say autistic kids don't enjoy their birthdays or Christmas: this may be part of the reason why.
Not to mention the noise and stress that often come with these occasions. Christmas is it's own special breed of stressful for just about everyone I know, but a child's birthday should be fun by his or her standards. If those standards are a quiet day spinning a wheel on a toy car, then so be it! It's his or her day after all! Would anyone out there want to be dragged into something they absolutely *hate* doing on their birthday? No. That would be rude and discourteous, wouldn't it?
I for instance, eat very carefully every day - no trans fats, no meat, no additives, etc. But on my birthday, I want cake! And not just any old cake, but black forest cake with tons of chocolate and whipped cream and raspberry filling (I'm not a fan of cherry)! Why? Because it's the one day of the year that is truly mine! It won't kill me to enjoy myself on my terms for 5 minutes. I'll be back to my usual boring bland food the next day and will not want to see another cake for another 365 days. No harm done.
I have not yet had anyone try to curb me from doing something I enjoy on my birthday and I would never think to compromise someone else's enjoyment on their birthday either, because that would be discourteous and (dare I say it?) just plain rude. Is it not a social rule that a birthday should be enjoyed by the person and the people throwing his or her party should be accommodating to what the birthday person likes? I know it is because it got drilled into me ad nauseum when I was a kid.
This begs the eternal question: Why do the social standards of common courtesy and politeness not apply to autistic people? Why should they have to suffer on a special day just because someone else thinks it's good for them? (This is just one of many double-standards that society foists upon people on the autism spectrum...)
People wonder why it's hard for autistic people to learn social skills. When someone on the autism spectrum is forced through behaviour modification (or whatever) to follow a set of social rules but those same social rules do not have to be observed by others toward him or her... what message is that giving the autistic person? What is the autistic person going to think? "Why the heck should I be doing all of these things when people can be rude, condescending and socially inappropriate with me? It's unjust for starters and makes no logical sense. Therefore, why should I do this? To heck with that!"
Another note for professionals trying to teach social skills: Autistic people of all ages know and understand a double-standard when they see one and they don't appreciate it.
A kid needs to just be a kid once in a while. From what I've seen many autistic children are quite imaginative and don't often require the props (toys) that most kids need in order to help them imagine things or have fun. Just because the average child lacks the imagination to entertain him or herself without toys, it does not mean that that those who do have the imagination to entertain themselves without props should be constantly punished with therapy or forced to believe that they are "wrong".
That's not to say that all other children lack imagination: How many kids play with the boxes their toys come in more than the toys? (Think Calvin from the "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip with his transmogrifier - a big cardboard box.) That's got to say something about kids and imagination!
Why squash innate and powerful imagination because an autistic child does not live up to what I call the "corporate (sub)standard of play"? Why drag the child down and then end up with a basement or attic full of expensive and boring things that are just a waste of valuable time and money to begin with? It makes no sense to me.
Which professional set the standard for play anyway?
Life for a kid should not be 24 hours of therapy a day. It should be fun at times... on his terms. Just my thoughts on this one.
I love the quote from Estee's blog: "Our children come to us with a deep destiny — here again, some say spirit — that needs to be heard. It must be honored.”
Their personalities, likes and dislikes must also be honoured, IMO. ALL children are human and humanity comes with individuality that must be honoured, nourished and respected if it is to thrive... a fact many people seem to neglect.
The moral of this story is: Social rules (should) apply to everyone.
